day 1

today was nothing special as most people suspect of a 17 year old, i slept throughout the day and only woke up 2 get food and piss. most people wouldn’t like the fact of a girl using the word piss but come on now your not my dad. not that my dad was a good dad anyways i couldn’t really tell you why i’ve decided to write this collection of thoughts but i can tell you that i don’t care about grammar or punctuation so if by chance one day these go into the spotlight i hope all the write critics are frustrated with my ignorance. i’ve never written under circumstances as these, i feel as awkward as i would on a first date. i guess i can thank my boyfriend’s low standards that i won’t have to deal with one of those for a while.(hopefully) as you’ve probably noticed by now i won’t be following a plot or series of events, this will all be raw and not changed, i don’t plan on doing this in chronological order. imagine as if your reading an old diary or having a conversation with a ghost. although im a girl i don’t care for your comments about how i should be more ladylike or that i should act like a girl for i dont have a dick in my pants and i won’t censor my language cause it turns you off because i am not here 2 appeal 2 you. i took my birth control a hour late as i usually do because yes i have sex go ahead and gasp i know i know your mind couldn’t comprehend a girl having sex without associating it with her being a whore. but there was a moment in time where i couldn't shower without the thoughts of suicide running through my mind as i sat there sitting in the tub letting the water run down my body. my eyes in a constant state of irritation from all the crying because i no longer saw my body as my own for its been violated by so many. when i was a little girl and having my pants pulled down during story time by the girl next door or being pressured into sex with my first boyfriend or even the time i was so drunk i couldn’t stand and my friend’s dad climbed on top of me. i still have dark thoughts from time 2 time, its hard to shower sometimes or even socialize so please excuse me if i am comfortable enough 2 say i enjoy sex, matter a fact i love it, tell me society does that make you mad tell me how does the stick up your ass feel. i wish i could say that my reason for doing this is to help other girls which in a way it kinda is but if im being a hundred percent honest its to past the time and find some type of relief. but if there are any girls who happen to come across this than just know your not tainted or anything and your deserving of love just as much as anyone else. and if that isn’t enough i recommend you go down 2 the grocery store buy the cheapest box of eggs actually get two boxes and drive by that sorry mf’s house and i think you know what im getting at. as i said today’s nothing special, i just happen 2 overthink because i have nothing else 2 do. yea i have friends i can text or call but i wouldn’t even know what 2 say i haven’t seen them in so long due 2 quarantine and well some events which we’ll get into later but they feel more like strangers than the friends i once treasured so much which i still do but its different now. i could actually leave my room and talk 2 my family but why would i want 2 do that i have to keep my black sheep reputation. the only person i do talk 2 (the boyfriend) is at work, isn’t he such a grown up. and well its 2 late 2 play any instruments so i guess that only leaves room to think. its crazy how detached i can make myself to everything but than again im not sure if i have a real attachment 2 anything. i don’t know how to understand emotions let alone my own which is kinda pathetic, i’ve been diagnosed with depression since i was 4 yup since i was 4 thats an ongoing 13 years so i guess you can say its the longest relationship i’ve had. ever since i can remember i’ve never been good at commuting my feelings so i would always write letter cause than i wouldn’t feel so pressured and would have time to collect my thoughts. but now i feel so embarrassed to even give a letter, im often scared that i’ll die without anyone knowing who i am or how i truly felt about them. i don’t ever speak about my emotions or thoughts i mean you the audience if there even is one, know more about me without even knowing what i look like. so my secrets in a way have become yours, you know have a piece of me whether you acknowledge it or not. i doubt anyone has or will read this but i think this is where ill leave off day 1 um stay tuned 4 day 2 um yea no that gross who tf do i think i am haha, its up 2 you if you wanna read or not deuces.